Twelve Days of Christmas, MFU style
by Avirra
Summary: April ropes the boys into a holiday celebration with a twist. Daily updates (weather/power permitting).
1. Prologue

"Hello, boys. I've decided we're going to celebrate Christmas together."

Mark lowered the folder he had been studying and gave his partner a curious glance.

"Uhm, love? Aren't you going to visit your family on Christmas?"

"Yes, you goose. But I'm not leaving until Christmas Eve. Today is the 11th, so we have twelve days between now and then."

A half-smile formed on Illya's face.

"The twelve days of Christmas, April?"

"Illya! You genius! That's perfect! And there are four of us so we each only have to do three days."

Napoleon's blinked, then looked from Illya to Mark. Unfortunately, they both looked as lost as he was. Finally, he reluctantly turned to April and admitted defeat.

"I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about, April. And I don't think anyone else does either."

Tsking, April shook her head.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas, of course. Since Illya was the inspiration, he can take days one, five and nine. Mark, you take two, six and ten. Napoleon gets three, seven and eleven. Which will leave four, eight and twelve for me."

Napoleon was still speaking to her as if he was talking to a mad bomber that he was trying to talk out of setting a timer.

"And exactly what are we doing with these days that we're taking?"

Looking at the three men as if they were missing the obvious, April shook her head.

"You figure out something that goes with your day and base what we celebrate around it."

Illya seemed to get what she was talking about, but decided he should clarify.

"So we keep to something to do with the lyric, but it need not be literal?"

"Exactly, darling."

"Very well. I know what I will start with. We will all have dinner together tomorrow."

Napoleon decided he had two more days to figure it all out and shrugged.

"If you're providing the food, chum, I'll provide the wine. Any idea what would go best with it?"

"A red wine, I should think."

Napoleon nodded, then gestured to the folders before them again.

"Now that we have that sorted, can we please get back to work?"

"If we must."


	2. First Day 12:12

"Come in, come in. Napoleon has already arrived and is opening the wine."

"Something smells absolutely wonderful, Illya."

"Thank you, Mark, but I can only take credit for knowing who to call for a special meal. Let me take your coat, April."

"Thank you, Illya. Mark's right. Something smells divine."

"I trust it will taste as good as it smells. Please - everyone have a seat."

"I have a lovely '59 Bordeaux to go alone with our mystery meal. Ladies first."

"You make a charming sommelier, Napoleon."

"Once the wine is poured and Napoleon is seated, I will bring out our meal."

"Ready when you are, chum."

"Careful. The plates are warm."

"They look lovely. Are these game birds?"

"They look like grouse."

"Partridges to be more specific, Napoleon. On top of wild rice and in the bowl to the side is pear sauce."

"Partridges and pears - how perfect."

"A partridge in a pear tree . . . ah, okay. I see how this goes now. Trust my partner to convert his lyric into food."

"And very tasty food at that. Pass the rolls, please."


	3. Second Day 12:13

"Good morning, all. One for Napoleon, one for Illya and one for my dear partner."

"How nice. A glove box."

"I'd tell you not to be a smart-aleck, Napoleon, but that would be rather like telling a cat not to purr."

"Or hiss, in Wellington's case."

"You should be more careful where you put your feet. He was fond of that catnip mouse."

"Go on and open them already."

"Oh, Mark - how adorable! A pair of candies in the shape of doves."

"Not just any candy, luv."

"Let me guess - chocolate, pecan and caramel?"

"Right you are, Napoleon."

"What is the significance of those ingredients?"

"Those are what go into making a chocolate treats called turtles, chum."

"Ah, I see. Turtles in the shape of doves."

"Two lyrics down. Not sure what I can do with French Hens."

"You have twenty-four hours to figure it out."

"Gee, thanks."


	4. Third Day 12:14

"Tonight, I'll be treating the three of you to after-dinner drinks at my place."

"After-dinner? Are we meeting somewhere for dinner first then?"

"If you want to, we can, but that's not part of my lyric."

"How about we all go Dutch at the new Chinese place?"

"Sounds rather international. Why not?"

* * *

"The restaurant is one to go back to again. Now, what are you up to, Napoleon?"

"Just my contribution to the lyrical quest you sent us on, April. Everyone grab a cup."

"What is this?"

"Lait de Poule."

"Milk of the chicken?"

"Better known in English as Eggnog."

"Very clever, Napoleon."

"Even if your French accent is still atrocious."


	5. Fourth Day 12:15

"Come along, darlings. It's movie night and it's my treat."

"I never turn down a beautiful woman offering movie tickets."

"He never turns down a beautiful woman offering anything."

"Oh hush, Mark. So, are you two game as well?"

"Sure, luv. What movie are we seeing?"

"It's based on a Truman Capote book called 'In Cold Blood'."

"Not a comedy then, I take it?"

"Hardly, Illya. But not to worry - I will provide some snacks as well."

* * *

"Licorice, April?"

"Not just any licorice, Napoleon. Crows. Which fulfills my lyric."

"While I suppose that crows do call, when I think of calling birds, I think of canaries for some reason."

"You have the lyrics wrong, my friend."

"It's not four calling birds, Illya?"

"Not in the original lyrics. It was four 'colly' birds."

"Colly?"

"An old slang term for sooty. So a colly bird is a blackbird. A crow most certainly qualifies there."

"Well, I've learned two things today."

"What's the other one, Napoleon?"

"Don't let April pick the movie. They may have just released this yesterday, but it's not my idea of a holiday movie."

"It was this, 'Valley of the Dolls' or 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner'."

"According to Coming Attractions, 'Son of Godzilla' starts soon."

"None of them are what I'd call a festive movie."

"Oh hush and eat your licorice, Napoleon."

"Does this also count as making someone eat crow?"

"You aren't helping, Illya."


	6. Fifth Day 12:16

"Come, Napoleon. Since THRUSH has decided to give us all a much needed break, we are meeting April and Mark for lunch."

"Great. This mound of paperwork is starting to give me a headache. Cafeteria?"

"Not today. April and Mark had to go out to the Coney Island area, so we will be meeting them at Nathan's."

"Sounds good. I haven't had one of their hot dogs in ages."

* * *

"I see Mark and April have already got us a table."

"Go on over, Napoleon. There is something I need to get first."

"Hello, Mark - April. Thanks for asking us to meet you here."

"What are you talking about? Illya is the one that asked us to meet the two of you here."

"Wonder what he's up to?"

"Here he comes. I suppose we'll find out soon enough."

"I purchased onion rings for us to snack on while we look over the menu."

"Thank you, Illya."

"And this fulfills my lyric."

"How?"

"You sneak - I get it. Instead of golden rings, we get golden fried onion rings."

"Very clever, darling. Not the kind of gold that is usually a girl's best friend, but it fits line."


	7. Sixth Day 12:17

"Good morning, everyone. Delivery time."

"Another set of boxes, Mark?"

"Yes - one for each of you, Illya. Hey there! No shaking, Napoleon. These are fragile."

"Oh, Mark - how beautiful. Is it real, darling?"

"Yes. Made from genuine goose eggs. You remember my artistic neighbor, luv?"

"Marigold? Who could ever forget her?"

"Well, she and I were chatting and I mentioned needing to find something goose related. She immediately suggested that she paint some goose eggs for me. She even varnished them so they'd be a bit stronger."

"She is a very talented artist. Thank you, Mark. I like mine very much and will keep it out of the reach of Wellington and Lawan."

"Is there a place out of their reach?"

"I have a cabinet with glass doors that should keep it safe from them."

"A very creative way to fulfill your lyric. Doesn't do swan eggs, does she?"

"Just goose or wooden eggs. Sorry, Napoleon."


	8. Seventh Day 12:18

"Don't make any plans for after work, any of you. And here, Illya. I'm afraid you're going to need to take this later, chum."

"Motion sickness pills? We are going out onto water?"

"shouldn't be anything rough, but why take chances?"

"My stomach and I already blame you for whatever is to come, April."

* * *

"What a lovely boat, Napoleon."

"Thank you, April. I'll tell Aunt Amy that you approve. It belongs to her. She just purchased it this summer."

"Why are you laughing, Mark?"

"Didn't you see the name of the boat, luv? It's Odette."

"Why does that ring a bell?"

"Odette is the name of the Swan Princess in the ballet Swan Lake."

"Coincidence or did you talk your aunt into renaming the boat?"

"Coincidence. The name came to Aunt Amy when they told her the name of the boat model."

"Let me guess. Swan?"

"Nautor Swan 36, to be precise. We'll have a little cruise around the harbor to admire the lights and then have some supper at the club. Considering Illya's stomach, I thought eating after would be better for all concerned."

"I am medicated and the water seems fairly calm, but I appreciate the thoughtfulness, Napoleon."

"And this fulfills your lyric very nicely. I should have studied the song better before saddling myself with number 8."

"Maids a'milking, isn't it? Looking forward to how you work that one out."


	9. Eighth Day 12:19

"Good morning, darlings. Today, I'm the one passing out the packages. Or baskets, to be precise."

"Thank you, April. This reminds me of my youth. Homemade soap, yes?"

"Yes, Illya. Goat's milk soap."

"Are you dropping a hint about the state of our hygiene, Miss Dancer?"

"If you don't want it, Napoleon, I'll take it back. This stuff is wonderful for your skin."

"It certainly doesn't smell goaty, luv - which I consider a large plus. Smells like . . . mint?"

"That's what the lady called it, Mark. Garden Mint."

"After the season is over, I would like you to show me where you were able to find this. It is very much like the soaps my Babushka made."

"I'd be delighted to take you there, Illya."

"Does this really fill your lyric?"

"I don't see why not. The song says the maids were a'milking. They don't mention what was being milked."

"She has a valid point."

"That means we're back to you tomorrow, Illya."

"One lyric left for each of us."

"And the hardest ones of the lot, at that."


	10. Ninth Day 12:20

"How's your arm, Illya?"

"Nothing serious. Only a few stitches, Mark."

"I suppose it was too much to hope that THRUSH would stay quiet during the holidays."

"Regardless, that's one nest of birds that won't be causing us trouble in the New Year now, April. I'm glad my partner's aim was better than Medonovich's was."

"I think we should give Illya a pass on his lyric after the day he's had."

"While I thank you for that thought, I think a restful evening with friends will not be too stressful for me."

"What is it that you have planned, darling?"

"I suppose I might as well give these to you now. By the time I am released, we will not have long to get ready. Here."

"Very festive envelopes with . . . tickets? Illya - are you joking?"

"Not that I am aware of, April. You do not like it?"

"Whoa - easy on hugging the Russian there, April. He bruises easily - plus that whole bit about just getting stitches."

"Oops - sorry. But you have no idea how long I've wanted to the Rockette's Christmas show. Any time I've thought about going before, something always came up that I couldn't make it."

"I haven't seen it myself since I was . . . I suppose I was around eight."

"Let me guess, Napoleon. Aunt Amy?"

"Right on the money. She told me she had wanted to be a Rockette herself, but she didn't meet their height requirement. She still loves their shows though."

"One thing we know even before seeing it? Illya has definitely completed the 'nine ladies dancing' line."

"By using ladies dancing in a line. Very appropriate."


	11. Tenth Day 12:21

"Sorry today's get-together has to be in the Cafeteria, but since April and I have a drop to see to later, this is probably my only chance to pass these out."

"You've kept to a boxed gift all the way through. Although how you've managed the 'lords a'leaping' in a box, I'm dying to know."

"Go ahead and open it then, luv. Can't risk your health."

"A wooden man in a bowler hat?"

"I have not seen one of these for many years, Mark. Where did you find these?"

"I came across a small toy store. The man that runs it doesn't care much for the more modern toys and he mainly stocks the older things. Miniature china tea sets, wooden wagons, tin cars - a bit of this and that. Including jumping jacks."

"Are they ornaments?"

"You could certainly use them for that, but let me demonstrate. Take hold of the top and bottom strings and pull."

"How clever! It does make him look like he's leaping. I wonder why I never saw one as a girl?"

"Your parents probably figured you'd try and dismantle it to see how it worked."

"I won't say I'm not tempted now."


	12. Eleventh Day 12:22

"Come on inside, darlings. Assuming you remember to bring extra egg rolls."

"Considering I know how many egg rolls my partner can inhale? Of course I brought extra."

"I will not apologize for liking egg rolls."

"Don't expect you to, chum. Which is why we bought plenty for all."

"Where is Mark, April?"

"He's changing out the needle on my stereo so you can play whatever it is that you've brought, Napoleon."

"Just taking care of my lyric, April dear. I can't imagine this album will be to everyone's taste, so I just purchased the one."

"The stereo is ready to go, luv. So, Napoleon? Am I going to regret getting it prepped for you?"

"That all depends on how you feel about the sound of jazz bagpipes, Mark."

"Those are two words I don't recall hearing together before."

"You have a Rufus Harley album, Napoleon?"

"It figures you'd be the one to have heard of him, Illya."

"Music fascinates me. Another quirk I will not apologize for."

"Don't be a goose, Illya. Here - have an egg roll."

"Thank you, April."


	13. Twelfth Day 12:23

"You know, I'm rather sad to see this all come to an end, but here you go, darlings."

"A wind-up tin tiger drummer?"

"You think that's bad, Illya? I've got a furry windup gorilla playing the bongos."

"I get the ones you gave to them, luv, but why a rabbit for me?"

"Remember our trip to Japan?"

"Ah - the sugar rabbit I had made for you. I'd forgotten that."

"I must admit that you have given us a variety of drums. Do your plans still entail flying out tomorrow?"

"They do indeed, Illya. I need a bit of time at home to recharge my batteries to get ready for another year."

"I hope you enjoy yourself, April. If you will excuse me, there is an experiment I must finish in the labs."

"Oh, Mark - I am such an idiot! Talking about needing to go home in front of someone that can't."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't mean it that way."

"I know I didn't, but that doesn't make it any better."


	14. Epilogue

"Well, gents - just a few more minutes left of Christmas. April gave us a memorable lead up to the season, so shall we make a toast to end it?"

"To what shall we be toasting, Mark?"

"How about to those no longer with us?"

"I am agreeable. Napoleon?"

"I'm in. Getting your vodka from the freezer, chum. Mark? Would you be so kind as to pour for the two of us while I get Illya's?"

"Certainly, old boy. Here you go."

"And here's yours, Illya. So raising our glasses to our fellow agents that we lost."

"To friends and family no longer with us."

"And to a better year to come."

"Hear, hear."


End file.
